We have been at our current church for about 3.5 years. We moved here in Fall of 2020, during the pandemic. My husband has worked at 5 different churches and our journey has been anything but smooth and calm. We have interviewed, transitioned in, felt stable, felt unstable, transitioned out, searched for a new ministry, and round and round we’ve gone. This is a whole story in itself and actually we have a whole podcast season sharing a lot of what this looked like.
When we moved here to Saratoga, I felt so much freedom. God spoke that word over my heart and I kept feeling and seeing and sensing it everywhere. I joined Go and Tell Gals Coaching Certification Program and started seeing areas that I could step out in freedom. God spoke freedom over specific areas I’d previously felt condemnation for through verses like Romans 8:1. Areas like my personal style, christian liberty issues, and how and when I show up at church. I was given freedom to define what kind of pastor’s wife I wanted to be. Our church is a multisite church and all of us pastor’s wives serve differently, which gives us all freedom.
This past weekend we celebrated Good Friday with a service and I felt another wave of freedom. When we moved here I wanted everyone to feel safe to worship how they wanted to in our services and I mistakenly put pressure on myself that I needed to do something to make that happen. I felt pressure that I needed to be the most expressive in worship so that others would feel comfortable to express themselves. I felt pressure to “go first” and that translated in my mind to go the furthest. This past weekend I realized that was an incorrect application of what God has called me to.
I have always struggled with sensing God’s calling in an area and being patient and sensitive to the Spirit to figure out what it will look like. This is an example. I do think that God has called and placed me in a position to guide people into freedom in worship. He has given me a platform to be able to speak into that on a management level but also on a congregant level. I get to interact with people that come to our church and celebrate them and their freedom. I get to speak into discussions in the office about how someone was worshiping and how it affects our services. These are all ways that God has called me to help guide our church into freedom. But I was putting pressure on myself in other ways that God hadn’t called me. I felt pressure to respond a certain way because that was what would lead our community into freedom. I realized that I was putting myself in God’s position. I was trying to do God’s work.
Ironically, I wasn’t living in freedom myself. I would get nervous during services, especially if my kids were in with me. I would get stressed that I wasn’t responding correctly and try and analyze who was around me and who could see me and what they would be feeling. I know that my heart and my motives were pure (mostly! haha) but I was trying to be God. I was trying to control and even manipulate the situation.
Friday was different. I felt a shift in my heart and I didn’t even realize that’s what was happening until afterwards. Saturday morning I was having a slow morning and was trying to figure out why the service had felt so good. It was such a beautiful moment with God and I felt so close to His presence. I realized God has been gently and patiently showing me that I hadn’t been living in freedom, but had been putting on pressure. I realized I felt so close to God because I felt free. I wasn’t worried about whether I should stand or sit, I wasn’t worried about who could see me, I wasn’t worried about what my kids were doing or not doing (more on that next month!), I was simply a child of God worshipping in His presence. It felt so good and I was so grateful that God would guide me into this new level and area of freedom.
Sunday as we celebrated Easter, I was in every service. Isaac asked me to co-welcome our church and because of that I was able to worship for every single service. Let me tell you I have never felt so free to worship in my whole life! It was amazing and beautiful and so much fun! Every single person on the worship team commented on it, haha. Which would have embarrassed me before, but they were so encouraging. They each said in their own way that Isaac and I were encouraging to them! There was joy in the house of the Lord and I felt it in my soul.
I share all of this to remind you as a ministry wife that you are not God. God has called you to play a role in His kingdom work but it is not your job to make that work happen. It is not your job to change lives and force people into things. You are not the hero of this story Jesus is. You are not responsible for God’s work in people’s lives, God is. You do not control the fruit and Kingdom wins, God does. Below you’ll find a coaching prompt that I’ve been chewing on for a few weeks as I process some areas of calling in my life. I hope it helps you identify what’s yours to hold and what’s not.
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